Jeanine (June, 2010)

I feel in myself the future life. I am like a forest which has been more than once cut down. The new shoots are livelier than ever. I am rising toward the sky. The sunshine is on my head. The earth gives me its generous sap, but Heaven lights me with its unknown worlds.

“You say the soul is nothing but the resultant of the bodily powers. Why, then, is my soul more luminous when my bodily powers begin to fail? Winter is on my head, but eternal spring is in my heart. I breathe at this hour the fragrance of the lilacs, the violets, and the roses as at twenty years. The nearer I approach the end the plainer I hear around me the immortal symphonies of the worlds which invite me. It is marvelous, yet simple.” ~Victor Hugo

I read this this morning, and wondered if these are perhaps the very thoughts of our Jeanine. It was helpful to me to look at this from her point of view, rather than my own (understandably) selfish point of view. I so badly want her to stay, to take up her bed and walk out to the living room and join us in our conversation and laughter. But maybe she has seen enough light on the other side to not want to come back. Or maybe she’s heard the symphonies so loud and clear that she can no longer clearly hear the muddled sounds here on earth.

I know in her earthly mind, she would want to stay with us …

Hold our children …

Laugh and sup with us …

But as glorious as those things are, they pale in comparison to the place she is bound for. And we pale in comparison to Who she is destined to meet.

I love her with all my heart and want her to stay. And at the same time, I desperately want her to be able to leap from her earthly body into the arms of Jesus. Free of pain, free of sorrow, free of suffering.

My heart is torn between my own selfishness and the will of God. But ultimately, my faith tells me that His timing is perfect, that He is to be trusted, and that no matter what happens, all things will work together for our good.

So today … I pray that she will begin to hear the symphonies louder and clearer. And I pray that as she flies into His eternally loving embrace, that we will be right there behind her, cheering her on.

Not because we want her to depart.

But because we love her and want the best for her.

“Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints.” ~Ps. 116:15