Off and on over the past year, I’ve been involved in more work-related drama than I care to think about. I’ve gone from being the happiest employee you could ever meet to depressed, annoyed, frustrated and anti-establishment.
The song by Rage Against The Machine called “Wake Up” became my theme song and I’m not even joking…
I had anger issues in the past when I was much younger and not very wise, but then I met my partner and all of that changed. I became a better person for having met him. I also became happier about who I had become.
I’m still living an exceptionally happy home life, in fact, my home has become my shelter from the storm. But every morning I wake up to a work day I’d do anything to avoid.
Today I realised how unhappy other people in my team are. I looked outside myself and helped a work mate out who has similar struggles to my own.
Today I really did wake up a little but not in the way I would have expected. I realised just how easy it is to get caught up in yourself. While paying attention to your own journey in life is essential, I think it’s good to remember that everyone else is on their own personal journey too and some of them may be struggling just as you are. Some of them maybe even much worse off than you.
It’s good to get outside of your own head and look around and take a breath. Helping someone else other than yourself is a great way to take stock of things and appreciate others and my workmate was most grateful for my support.
I’ve been thinking about doing this for some time. I created a separate blog a few months back, where I could rant and rave about the less exciting aspects of my life, such as work and my emotional state. But something just didn’t feel write when I created it, so I deleted it and found myself back at square one.
I think that the writer in me needs space from everything else. I don’t quite know why I feel this way, but I do. So creating this space purely just for writing and anything relating to the craft of writing is, hopefully, the right step. I may find that I don’t want to nurture this any longer in a week, maybe even in a few days. But right now, I feel like I need this space away from my main blog, which I want to dedicate solely to my pursuit of art and Graphic Design and Star Wars. Those things go hand in hand and are perfect for each other. But the writer in me feels like I’m letting myself down by not dedicating my time to the one thing I know deserves it.
I sometimes feel shattered into a million pieces, and I’m forever trying to put myself back together. I feel so frustrated with life lately, angry at myself and just aimless. I’ve all but given up my career pursuits, and I can’t even tell you why. The only thing I feel anything positive about is creating art and edits in Adobe software and even those things don’t keep me from feeling lost within myself.
I don’t expect anyone to understand, I write this mostly for myself because I need to. I need to air my grievances with myself, with life with everything. I have so much frustration building up inside, I feel like I really need to punch something hard! Not that I want to be violent, but that I feel like that might actually make me feel anything close to okay about my life right now.