So confused right now…

Being confused about life for me is not usually a thing. I don’t get confused very often. So when it happens, it really bugs me because it’s like this niggly little annoying feeling in the back of my mind that won’t go away. I might forget about it for a day or two, but it always returns, and when it does, I spend hours contemplating what I am doing with my life right now or more importantly, what I’m not doing.

Part of me wants to scream so loud at myself for being where I am right now. By design, I am not a moper or a defeatist. But there is a part of my psyche that can never accept what I have as good enough. To be clear, this only relates to my professional life and maybe to my efforts in various sporting arenas when I was younger. It’s quite funny because when it comes to my personal life, I am the exact opposite. I feel blessed to be able to spend my life with someone who loves me unconditionally. I feel deserving of this, but it took me a while to get to that point, believe me.

I don’t like to think negatively about anything, but everyone has negative thoughts every now and then, right? And my thoughts aren’t so much as negative as they are chaotic. One day I will sit down and be like “right, writing is my life, this is what I must pursue”. And that will be my only focus. But this week, I stumbled upon something that could really work for me, especially since I have a good foundation and skill set to be able to do learn how to do it. And it does not have anything at all to do with writing, but it does connect with the creative person in me almost as much as writing does.

Some time ago, I said on my blog that I wanted to study graphic design. As time went on, this evolved into wanting to learn a specific part of digital art, a much more niche area if you will. I am still working on this almost every other day, and I try to learn new things in Adobe, so I can eventually be ready to start creating work of my own to eventually sell online. That was never in my original plan, but I think I could actually be skilled enough to get to that stage.

So there it is. Writing is very important to me but maybe stumbling upon this article wasn’t just an accident. Perhaps I need to look a little further afield rather than being tunnel-visioned about pursuing only one path or for thinking that I only have one option to pursue.

See what I mean? The chaos ensues…

I’m better than this, I can be better than this…

This weekend I made a significant decision about the direction my life is heading in. I’ve decided that if I want to get back to where I was in my writing career, I have to start looking at writing jobs now and to concentrate on getting where I want to be.

I’ve read a lot of articles about people who have decided that the job they are doing and the career path they are on are not making them happy, but it’s a little different when you’re that person. It might seem as easy as updating your CV and looking for jobs you want to do, but it really isn’t. It’s a lot more complicated than that, especially if you are looking for a job in a completely different field.

I had a recruiter contact me yesterday about my updated CV, and they were trying to recruit me for a job that is in the same field I am already in which is not what I want to be doing, not any more. I had to reply to their email advising that I won’t be continuing with the process. I know exactly what I want to be doing and I’m going to strive for that.

While it’s nice to have recruiters calling you about job openings, it will be nicer still to have one contact me about the job I actually want.

Onward and upward friends, onward and upward!

There’s something I want to write about but I don’t want to jinx it…

Taking up where I left off regarding writing opportunities, I’m still looking for the right place to call home. My partner seems to have a lot more faith than I do but I don’t want to go just anywhere. I don’t care about money not at this stage. I just want to write again.

I’ll be writing everything here, movie reviews  or discussions, anything relating to popular culture. This is where I want it all to live and it’s also a good thing to be able to point people to your writing if you need to.

Workday blues and a lesson learned

Off and on over the past year, I’ve been involved in more work-related drama than I care to think about. I’ve gone from being the happiest employee you could ever meet to depressed, annoyed, frustrated and anti-establishment.

The song by Rage Against The Machine called “Wake Up” became my theme song and I’m not even joking…

I had anger issues in the past when I was much younger and not very wise, but then I met my partner and all of that changed. I became a better person for having met him. I also became happier about who I had become.

I’m still living an exceptionally happy home life, in fact, my home has become my shelter from the storm. But every morning I wake up to a work day I’d do anything to avoid.

Today I realised how unhappy other people in my team are. I looked outside myself and helped a work mate out who has similar struggles to my own.

Today I really did wake up a little but not in the way I would have expected. I realised just how easy it is to get caught up in yourself. While paying attention to your own journey in life is essential, I think it’s good to remember that everyone else is on their own personal journey too and some of them may be struggling just as you are. Some of them maybe even much worse off than you.

It’s good to get outside of your own head and look around and take a breath. Helping someone else other than yourself is a great way to take stock of things and appreciate others and my workmate was most grateful for my support.

I think I needed to do this…

I’ve been thinking about doing this for some time. I created a separate blog a few months back, where I could rant and rave about the less exciting aspects of my life, such as work and my emotional state. But something just didn’t feel write when I created it, so I deleted it and found myself back at square one.

I think that the writer in me needs space from everything else. I don’t quite know why I feel this way, but I do. So creating this space purely just for writing and anything relating to the craft of writing is, hopefully, the right step. I may find that I don’t want to nurture this any longer in a week, maybe even in a few days. But right now, I feel like I need this space away from my main blog, which I want to dedicate solely to my pursuit of art and Graphic Design and Star Wars. Those things go hand in hand and are perfect for each other. But the writer in me feels like I’m letting myself down by not dedicating my time to the one thing I know deserves it.

I sometimes feel shattered into a million pieces, and I’m forever trying to put myself back together. I feel so frustrated with life lately, angry at myself and just aimless. I’ve all but given up my career pursuits, and I can’t even tell you why. The only thing I feel anything positive about is creating art and edits in Adobe software and even those things don’t keep me from feeling lost within myself.

I don’t expect anyone to understand, I write this mostly for myself because I need to. I need to air my grievances with myself, with life with everything. I have so much frustration building up inside, I feel like I really need to punch something hard! Not that I want to be violent, but that I feel like that might actually make me feel anything close to okay about my life right now.